from: "On Being Loved by Shrii Shrii Anandmurti" - Part 7, by Gayattrii (Garda Ghista)
Another time I came to Calcutta, riddled with complexes, feeling so unworthy, so undeserving, feeling I should not even be a part of His mission, feeling He should make me an outcaste in the farthest reaches of this earth. I stood in the driveway, the first day, waiting for My Lord to come, but waiting full of fear and complexes, thinking I could hardly dare to look on Him, look at His glorious face. But lo, He came and walked right up to where I stood, and stopped. He did namaskar to me and to me alone! And He smiled – how He smiled! – all teeth showing, smiling from ear to ear! It was such a magnificent, glamorous smile – It was full of His love, His affection! I was stunned. I thought, can this be happening?? Why is He smiling at me? Why not others?? Others around me are far more important – they are the VIP’s of this world. I am nothing. I am nobody. And in fact, I make hundreds or thousands of mistakes every minute of every day – why did He smile at me?? Baba turned and again walked down the path to His door. And then, again He came to the driveway and walked right up and stopped AGAIN right in front of me! AGAIN He did long namaskar, and AGAIN Baba was smiling – such a vast smile! This time, in a tiny little voice, I said, ‘Namaskar, Baba!’ I was still too stunned, still convinced that I did not deserve His love. Look at my Baba! To the most undeserving and unworthy, He heaped and continues to heap His love!
Daily I used to play guitar and sing for Baba. I used to sing His Prabhat Samgiit, His tender songs. Once it happened that a brother said to me, “What’s this! You’re singing the same songs again and again!” I felt so hurt, and resolved not to sing again. I went to sleep that night firmly resolved not to even bring my guitar the next morning. Just before waking up, I had a short dream. In that dream, Baba was sitting in front of me. He said simply, “You will bring the guitar. And you will sing.” It was crystal clear, this dream. So when I woke, I felt, I should take the guitar. I took the guitar, but with much hesitation and trepidation also, worrying that again that brother may be tired of my songs. After coming to Baba’s quarters, so many sisters and brothers were there and were singing one song after another, as Baba sat in His chair on the driveway. I felt so hesitant. Finally when there was a small break between songs, I started to play and sing the song “Elo Anek Yuge Se Ajana Pathik”. But I sang very quietly and, as they did not hear me, the sisters/didis started to sing another song and I was completely drowned out. Not only that, I was gradually pushed by all the sisters right into the garage, still feebly singing and playing, and completely out of sight of Baba. I felt so weak due to heat. I didn’t know whether to continue or to stop. I started to feel some mental irritation with Baba, thinking that, if this was going to be the state of things, then why did He appear in dream and give me specific instructions to sing for Him! Feeling full of mental complex, I was almost crying. Suddenly, dadas and didis near me started saying, “Sing louder! Move forward!” And they made a path for me to move. They told me, ‘Baba is asking, “Who is singing “Elo Anek Yuge Ajana Pathik”! It means “The Eternal, Unknown Traveler Came Today!” Without any effort, I could move forward and then stood just close to Him, maybe four feet distant, and finished singing my song! How gracious was He!
On the last day, when departing, I was putting a thick garland of flowers over Baba's head and around His neck. Often on such occasions, BABA would become shy and would ask sweetly, “Are you sure these are for me?” This time, another devotee said to Baba, ‘This reminds me of a song, but I cannot remember it.’ Then Baba Himself started to softly sing, ‘Ajana pathik tamogo kanik Tomay parobo mala.’ It means, ‘Oh Lord! Please wait and accept my garland!’